Wow, this one really kicked my ass this time! Even though mentally I am persevering, my body is screaming that it has had enough. I came home yesterday after chemo and I was so fatigued I literally couldn't get out of bed for hours. I barely had the strength to roll over. When I finally did get up, I felt like my arms and legs were weights. Then on top of all that, I later got complete neuropathy in both hands and arms (which basically feels like numbness, but with a dull achy feeling.) It was horrible, I think I slept a total of 3 hours last night. I'm doing better today thankfully. Just the usual stomach problems and flu like symptoms.
During my appointment, I tried to discuss with my doctor about the elephant in the room (radiation), but she won't discuss it with me until after my final PET scan. She did say I am a "boarder-line" case and because of this I have a feeling she will ultimately let me decide.
My doc is on vacation in 2 weeks, so it looks like I will be going for my final chemo on Monday June 28th. Apparently I am doing so well they are going to do my final chemo without a doctor exam first!
June 28th will be like Christmas morning! Because after every miserable moment that passes that day, I know it will only get better for good this time. : )
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
June 9th - Having cancer is such a pain in the @ss (or back?)
Nausea is gone until next time, YAY! But the back pain and fatigue are killing me. I am wearing out my heating pads big time. I have one on the couch downstairs and one in the bedroom. I recently had to replace the couch one, because my "Cujo" rat terrier decided to eat it. At least it's cooler this week. I don't have central air and it sucked to lay on a heating pad all day in 90 degree heat! But the worse thing is driving. Must have something to do with the way the seats are made in my car. When I'm the passenger it's fine. I can squirm around or curl up in a ball and take the pressure off it, but when you're driving that's not advisable.
The fatigue is bad too. Long gone are the days I could spend hours shopping at the mall. I barely have the energy to run to Stewart's for milk. Seriously, as much as I used to hate grocery shopping, I truly despise it now. I am becoming a hermit. I try to leave the house as little as possible. I would say that my wallet is appreciating the break from shopping, but it really isn't experiencing any relief, due to my addiction to Amazon and Ebay. And I only have to leave my heating pad for a second to open the door for UPS. Not to mention the added medical bills. I really don't know what people do without insurance.
So my back hurts and I am totally exhausted and I have to drive to the doctor's office for blood work. : ( It is such a pain the @ss. Drive 30 minutes and fight the biggest construction zone in the capital district, to be stuck with a needle and told my red blood cell count is low, which obviously, I am well aware of given the level of fatigue I am feeling. Arrrgggg!
Ooops, I gotta go, UPS is at the door. And I'm done ranting now, thanks for listening, or reading. Only two more chemos to go! And then I promise, I will never complain about anything, ever again. (Please don't hold me to that, but seriously, I will do my best.)
The fatigue is bad too. Long gone are the days I could spend hours shopping at the mall. I barely have the energy to run to Stewart's for milk. Seriously, as much as I used to hate grocery shopping, I truly despise it now. I am becoming a hermit. I try to leave the house as little as possible. I would say that my wallet is appreciating the break from shopping, but it really isn't experiencing any relief, due to my addiction to Amazon and Ebay. And I only have to leave my heating pad for a second to open the door for UPS. Not to mention the added medical bills. I really don't know what people do without insurance.
So my back hurts and I am totally exhausted and I have to drive to the doctor's office for blood work. : ( It is such a pain the @ss. Drive 30 minutes and fight the biggest construction zone in the capital district, to be stuck with a needle and told my red blood cell count is low, which obviously, I am well aware of given the level of fatigue I am feeling. Arrrgggg!
Ooops, I gotta go, UPS is at the door. And I'm done ranting now, thanks for listening, or reading. Only two more chemos to go! And then I promise, I will never complain about anything, ever again. (Please don't hold me to that, but seriously, I will do my best.)
Friday, June 4, 2010
June 1st - Chemo #10
Sorry for the delay in posting about my latest chemo. I have been really really sick this time around, so I haven't felt like talking/writing about it. Had the chemo Tuesday morning and by Tuesday night I was already feeling nauseous. Went back in to the doctor's office on Wednesday for Neulasta and more stomach meds (didn't do a lot of good). So I am just trying to ride it out, constantly reminding myself that I only have to go through this two more times.
In fact, I am so close to the end of my "Chemo days" that I am now on to worrying about the next step, radiation. The doc still hasn't said one way or another on it. But I have worries about having it and worries about not having it.
So here's the plan as I understand it. I have my two more ABVD chemo treatments, the last one being on June 29th. Then I have to wait a month before having my PET Scan, which will hopefully be clean and basically mean I am in remission. And it is at that point that a decision needs to be made about radiation.
In the mean time, I think I will read up on radiation a bit. I need to understand the risks vs benefits, so when the time comes to have that discussion with my doctor, I will know what I am talking about.
In fact, I am so close to the end of my "Chemo days" that I am now on to worrying about the next step, radiation. The doc still hasn't said one way or another on it. But I have worries about having it and worries about not having it.
So here's the plan as I understand it. I have my two more ABVD chemo treatments, the last one being on June 29th. Then I have to wait a month before having my PET Scan, which will hopefully be clean and basically mean I am in remission. And it is at that point that a decision needs to be made about radiation.
In the mean time, I think I will read up on radiation a bit. I need to understand the risks vs benefits, so when the time comes to have that discussion with my doctor, I will know what I am talking about.
Monday, May 31, 2010
May 31st, Happy Memorial Day
Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend. I did. Riley and I visited our friends at their camp over the weekend and we had a blast! Great weather, food, canoeing and great company. Doesn't get any better than that! But, It is almost sad to have these few "normal" days in between because it reminds me of what I am missing.
Now, have I mentioned how much I hate f*%king chemo??? I can't sleep tonight knowing what I am headed into tomorrow! I hate the night before almost as much as the day of. I really feel like I am walking a plank and tomorrow I will be the scared little puppy being dragged to the vet/oncology office in the morning. I am now experiencing what they call "anticipatory nausea", which means I get sick just going into to the office. After I am home from chemo, I have flu symptoms for days, coupled with severe nausea and the only recourse is to go back into the office for more meds, which makes me even sicker (remember anticipatory nausea), so around and around it goes.
Only thing keeping me going is that I only have three left!!! But even three at this point seems like a mountain to climb. Each treatment gets harder and I hope my body can withstand the last 3.
I better end this post I am getting nauseous just typing about it.
Now, have I mentioned how much I hate f*%king chemo??? I can't sleep tonight knowing what I am headed into tomorrow! I hate the night before almost as much as the day of. I really feel like I am walking a plank and tomorrow I will be the scared little puppy being dragged to the vet/oncology office in the morning. I am now experiencing what they call "anticipatory nausea", which means I get sick just going into to the office. After I am home from chemo, I have flu symptoms for days, coupled with severe nausea and the only recourse is to go back into the office for more meds, which makes me even sicker (remember anticipatory nausea), so around and around it goes.
Only thing keeping me going is that I only have three left!!! But even three at this point seems like a mountain to climb. Each treatment gets harder and I hope my body can withstand the last 3.
I better end this post I am getting nauseous just typing about it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
May 17th - Chemo #9 and PET scan results
First off, I should let everyone know that I had a great weekend. My symptoms were almost nonexistent and I was able to go out and walk my dogs and even do some yard work. It's nice to have these few good days in between, it makes me remember that I won't be dealing with this forever.
PET scan results from last week were good. The tumor in my chest is down to 1.5 cm with a small amount of uptake (for those of you not familiar with these tests, little uptake means not alot of cancer there). Also the cancer in my neck is listed as "resolved" Woo-hoo!
I was secretly hoping for it to show no uptake and for it all to be "resolved" but you know me, I always set the bar a little higher...but I still have 3 more chemos, and I am positive that it will show zero uptake when I am done with my 12th.
With the cancer still present, my doctor still can't say whether or not I will need radiation. That decision won't be made until all of my chemo treatments are complete and I have another PET Scan. I should be glowing like a Christmas tree after all this radiation : )
We are also going to treat my nausea a little more aggressively this time, since it was so bad the last time around. I will go back tomorrow and get my half shot of neulasta and different anti-nausea meds and IV fluids.
Of course with the good news comes some slightly not so good news. The doctor and I believe that my lungs may be receiving some damage from the chemo, albeit very slight. One of the chemo drugs I am on, can cause irreversible lung damage so it is common to test the lungs though out the treatments. I am going for my PFT's (Pulmonary Function Test) on Wednesday.
PET scan results from last week were good. The tumor in my chest is down to 1.5 cm with a small amount of uptake (for those of you not familiar with these tests, little uptake means not alot of cancer there). Also the cancer in my neck is listed as "resolved" Woo-hoo!
I was secretly hoping for it to show no uptake and for it all to be "resolved" but you know me, I always set the bar a little higher...but I still have 3 more chemos, and I am positive that it will show zero uptake when I am done with my 12th.
With the cancer still present, my doctor still can't say whether or not I will need radiation. That decision won't be made until all of my chemo treatments are complete and I have another PET Scan. I should be glowing like a Christmas tree after all this radiation : )
We are also going to treat my nausea a little more aggressively this time, since it was so bad the last time around. I will go back tomorrow and get my half shot of neulasta and different anti-nausea meds and IV fluids.
Of course with the good news comes some slightly not so good news. The doctor and I believe that my lungs may be receiving some damage from the chemo, albeit very slight. One of the chemo drugs I am on, can cause irreversible lung damage so it is common to test the lungs though out the treatments. I am going for my PFT's (Pulmonary Function Test) on Wednesday.
May 17th, yes the results are in, but I have something to say first!
The results were good, but I have something else I've been wanting to say. The amazing thing about such a shitty diagnosis is, I feel it truly brings out the best in already wonderful people. I need to thank all of you for being so supportive of me. I already knew I had great friends and family, but your compassion and love has been phenomenal.
To my work friends -You are, like I've always said, my second family. Thank you for all of your prayers, cards and well wishes. I feel very loved and appreciated. Also, I know it must be tough not having me there and I never once have felt pressure from any of you to "get back to work". Thank you for that. I love you all dearly and I think we will all be so much closer having gone through this. I can't wait to get back into my routine in the office. Believe it or not, I am actually missing the work too! I love been busy and challenged so I can't wait to resume my daily life.
To my cancer survivor friends - Wow, just wow! You people are astounding. I also feel like we are family, even though we have not known each other long, because of the connection we share. You have all provided me with so much inspiration and hope! I don't know that I would be able to make it through this without you. The connection that cancer survivors share is a bond like no other.
To my close friends and family - I always knew I had the best family, both immediate and extended, but now I truly appreciate each and everyone of you more then I can express in words. It's the little things you do for me that matter more than you know. My mom and husband have been extremely helpful with Riley, and because of this, he has not had to miss out on anything even with his mom being sick. My stepfather is very supportive and always tells me to keep my chin up, and when he tells me I am going to be fine, he means it and I believe it! My stepsister is an oncology nurse (need I say more?)! She is always there to answer a question for me and in the beginning, she hooked me up with all the best doctors so I didn't have to do a thing. Also, my family in other parts of the country have always been there for me to chat with and run things by. They even don't mind just listening to me cry if I need to. I feel so blessed to have prayers being said for me from all over the place!
I think that the emotional support you get as a cancer patient is JUST as important as the medical support from your doctor. And that's why once I beat this thing, it is a victory I will attribute to you and the doctors both.
Sorry for the mushy-gushy post, hopefully you don't get cavities. But I meant every word of it.
I Love you all.
To my work friends -You are, like I've always said, my second family. Thank you for all of your prayers, cards and well wishes. I feel very loved and appreciated. Also, I know it must be tough not having me there and I never once have felt pressure from any of you to "get back to work". Thank you for that. I love you all dearly and I think we will all be so much closer having gone through this. I can't wait to get back into my routine in the office. Believe it or not, I am actually missing the work too! I love been busy and challenged so I can't wait to resume my daily life.
To my cancer survivor friends - Wow, just wow! You people are astounding. I also feel like we are family, even though we have not known each other long, because of the connection we share. You have all provided me with so much inspiration and hope! I don't know that I would be able to make it through this without you. The connection that cancer survivors share is a bond like no other.
To my close friends and family - I always knew I had the best family, both immediate and extended, but now I truly appreciate each and everyone of you more then I can express in words. It's the little things you do for me that matter more than you know. My mom and husband have been extremely helpful with Riley, and because of this, he has not had to miss out on anything even with his mom being sick. My stepfather is very supportive and always tells me to keep my chin up, and when he tells me I am going to be fine, he means it and I believe it! My stepsister is an oncology nurse (need I say more?)! She is always there to answer a question for me and in the beginning, she hooked me up with all the best doctors so I didn't have to do a thing. Also, my family in other parts of the country have always been there for me to chat with and run things by. They even don't mind just listening to me cry if I need to. I feel so blessed to have prayers being said for me from all over the place!
I think that the emotional support you get as a cancer patient is JUST as important as the medical support from your doctor. And that's why once I beat this thing, it is a victory I will attribute to you and the doctors both.
Sorry for the mushy-gushy post, hopefully you don't get cavities. But I meant every word of it.
I Love you all.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
May 6th - Feeling a little overwhelmed today
I am taking this round of chemo particularly bad. I think that my body is starting to get worn down and it has really had enough of these chemicals being pumped through me every other week. The nausea is horrible, I have to medicate myself constantly to keep from vomiting. Also, all the little annoying side effects seem to be magnified this time around. And the back pain hasn't even started up yet! Chemotherapy is like being on a roller coaster. You have the treatment and you go really far down and then you come back up again just in time for the next treatment which pulls you right back down again. The scary part is, as you go on, the peaks are not as high and the valleys keep getting lower and darker with each drop down. I feel like the chemo is killing me, and it truly is. I have chosen to poison myself over allowing the cancer to poison me.
I am extremely anxious about my PET scan next week on the 11th. Please keep your prayers coming. I need to hear that my PET scan shows little to no cancer left. With that positive news, I know I will be able to make it through to the end of treatment. Thanks guys.
I am extremely anxious about my PET scan next week on the 11th. Please keep your prayers coming. I need to hear that my PET scan shows little to no cancer left. With that positive news, I know I will be able to make it through to the end of treatment. Thanks guys.
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