Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend. I did. Riley and I visited our friends at their camp over the weekend and we had a blast! Great weather, food, canoeing and great company. Doesn't get any better than that! But, It is almost sad to have these few "normal" days in between because it reminds me of what I am missing.
Now, have I mentioned how much I hate f*%king chemo??? I can't sleep tonight knowing what I am headed into tomorrow! I hate the night before almost as much as the day of. I really feel like I am walking a plank and tomorrow I will be the scared little puppy being dragged to the vet/oncology office in the morning. I am now experiencing what they call "anticipatory nausea", which means I get sick just going into to the office. After I am home from chemo, I have flu symptoms for days, coupled with severe nausea and the only recourse is to go back into the office for more meds, which makes me even sicker (remember anticipatory nausea), so around and around it goes.
Only thing keeping me going is that I only have three left!!! But even three at this point seems like a mountain to climb. Each treatment gets harder and I hope my body can withstand the last 3.
I better end this post I am getting nauseous just typing about it.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
May 17th - Chemo #9 and PET scan results
First off, I should let everyone know that I had a great weekend. My symptoms were almost nonexistent and I was able to go out and walk my dogs and even do some yard work. It's nice to have these few good days in between, it makes me remember that I won't be dealing with this forever.
PET scan results from last week were good. The tumor in my chest is down to 1.5 cm with a small amount of uptake (for those of you not familiar with these tests, little uptake means not alot of cancer there). Also the cancer in my neck is listed as "resolved" Woo-hoo!
I was secretly hoping for it to show no uptake and for it all to be "resolved" but you know me, I always set the bar a little higher...but I still have 3 more chemos, and I am positive that it will show zero uptake when I am done with my 12th.
With the cancer still present, my doctor still can't say whether or not I will need radiation. That decision won't be made until all of my chemo treatments are complete and I have another PET Scan. I should be glowing like a Christmas tree after all this radiation : )
We are also going to treat my nausea a little more aggressively this time, since it was so bad the last time around. I will go back tomorrow and get my half shot of neulasta and different anti-nausea meds and IV fluids.
Of course with the good news comes some slightly not so good news. The doctor and I believe that my lungs may be receiving some damage from the chemo, albeit very slight. One of the chemo drugs I am on, can cause irreversible lung damage so it is common to test the lungs though out the treatments. I am going for my PFT's (Pulmonary Function Test) on Wednesday.
PET scan results from last week were good. The tumor in my chest is down to 1.5 cm with a small amount of uptake (for those of you not familiar with these tests, little uptake means not alot of cancer there). Also the cancer in my neck is listed as "resolved" Woo-hoo!
I was secretly hoping for it to show no uptake and for it all to be "resolved" but you know me, I always set the bar a little higher...but I still have 3 more chemos, and I am positive that it will show zero uptake when I am done with my 12th.
With the cancer still present, my doctor still can't say whether or not I will need radiation. That decision won't be made until all of my chemo treatments are complete and I have another PET Scan. I should be glowing like a Christmas tree after all this radiation : )
We are also going to treat my nausea a little more aggressively this time, since it was so bad the last time around. I will go back tomorrow and get my half shot of neulasta and different anti-nausea meds and IV fluids.
Of course with the good news comes some slightly not so good news. The doctor and I believe that my lungs may be receiving some damage from the chemo, albeit very slight. One of the chemo drugs I am on, can cause irreversible lung damage so it is common to test the lungs though out the treatments. I am going for my PFT's (Pulmonary Function Test) on Wednesday.
May 17th, yes the results are in, but I have something to say first!
The results were good, but I have something else I've been wanting to say. The amazing thing about such a shitty diagnosis is, I feel it truly brings out the best in already wonderful people. I need to thank all of you for being so supportive of me. I already knew I had great friends and family, but your compassion and love has been phenomenal.
To my work friends -You are, like I've always said, my second family. Thank you for all of your prayers, cards and well wishes. I feel very loved and appreciated. Also, I know it must be tough not having me there and I never once have felt pressure from any of you to "get back to work". Thank you for that. I love you all dearly and I think we will all be so much closer having gone through this. I can't wait to get back into my routine in the office. Believe it or not, I am actually missing the work too! I love been busy and challenged so I can't wait to resume my daily life.
To my cancer survivor friends - Wow, just wow! You people are astounding. I also feel like we are family, even though we have not known each other long, because of the connection we share. You have all provided me with so much inspiration and hope! I don't know that I would be able to make it through this without you. The connection that cancer survivors share is a bond like no other.
To my close friends and family - I always knew I had the best family, both immediate and extended, but now I truly appreciate each and everyone of you more then I can express in words. It's the little things you do for me that matter more than you know. My mom and husband have been extremely helpful with Riley, and because of this, he has not had to miss out on anything even with his mom being sick. My stepfather is very supportive and always tells me to keep my chin up, and when he tells me I am going to be fine, he means it and I believe it! My stepsister is an oncology nurse (need I say more?)! She is always there to answer a question for me and in the beginning, she hooked me up with all the best doctors so I didn't have to do a thing. Also, my family in other parts of the country have always been there for me to chat with and run things by. They even don't mind just listening to me cry if I need to. I feel so blessed to have prayers being said for me from all over the place!
I think that the emotional support you get as a cancer patient is JUST as important as the medical support from your doctor. And that's why once I beat this thing, it is a victory I will attribute to you and the doctors both.
Sorry for the mushy-gushy post, hopefully you don't get cavities. But I meant every word of it.
I Love you all.
To my work friends -You are, like I've always said, my second family. Thank you for all of your prayers, cards and well wishes. I feel very loved and appreciated. Also, I know it must be tough not having me there and I never once have felt pressure from any of you to "get back to work". Thank you for that. I love you all dearly and I think we will all be so much closer having gone through this. I can't wait to get back into my routine in the office. Believe it or not, I am actually missing the work too! I love been busy and challenged so I can't wait to resume my daily life.
To my cancer survivor friends - Wow, just wow! You people are astounding. I also feel like we are family, even though we have not known each other long, because of the connection we share. You have all provided me with so much inspiration and hope! I don't know that I would be able to make it through this without you. The connection that cancer survivors share is a bond like no other.
To my close friends and family - I always knew I had the best family, both immediate and extended, but now I truly appreciate each and everyone of you more then I can express in words. It's the little things you do for me that matter more than you know. My mom and husband have been extremely helpful with Riley, and because of this, he has not had to miss out on anything even with his mom being sick. My stepfather is very supportive and always tells me to keep my chin up, and when he tells me I am going to be fine, he means it and I believe it! My stepsister is an oncology nurse (need I say more?)! She is always there to answer a question for me and in the beginning, she hooked me up with all the best doctors so I didn't have to do a thing. Also, my family in other parts of the country have always been there for me to chat with and run things by. They even don't mind just listening to me cry if I need to. I feel so blessed to have prayers being said for me from all over the place!
I think that the emotional support you get as a cancer patient is JUST as important as the medical support from your doctor. And that's why once I beat this thing, it is a victory I will attribute to you and the doctors both.
Sorry for the mushy-gushy post, hopefully you don't get cavities. But I meant every word of it.
I Love you all.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
May 6th - Feeling a little overwhelmed today
I am taking this round of chemo particularly bad. I think that my body is starting to get worn down and it has really had enough of these chemicals being pumped through me every other week. The nausea is horrible, I have to medicate myself constantly to keep from vomiting. Also, all the little annoying side effects seem to be magnified this time around. And the back pain hasn't even started up yet! Chemotherapy is like being on a roller coaster. You have the treatment and you go really far down and then you come back up again just in time for the next treatment which pulls you right back down again. The scary part is, as you go on, the peaks are not as high and the valleys keep getting lower and darker with each drop down. I feel like the chemo is killing me, and it truly is. I have chosen to poison myself over allowing the cancer to poison me.
I am extremely anxious about my PET scan next week on the 11th. Please keep your prayers coming. I need to hear that my PET scan shows little to no cancer left. With that positive news, I know I will be able to make it through to the end of treatment. Thanks guys.
I am extremely anxious about my PET scan next week on the 11th. Please keep your prayers coming. I need to hear that my PET scan shows little to no cancer left. With that positive news, I know I will be able to make it through to the end of treatment. Thanks guys.
Monday, May 3, 2010
May 3rd - Chemo #8, after a great weekend I really didn't want to go in
So first off, the good news. My back pain subsided on Friday and by Saturday I was up for all the the events at the Stowe Weekend of Hope, in Stowe VT. It is a cancer conference that attracks hundreds of people from all over the Northeast. There were back to back discussions on different aspects of cancer care. So Heath and I had a very busy day on Saturday. We met some amazing survivors of all different types of cancer and from all different backgrounds. It is unbelievable how much we all have in common. You couldn't find a more kind and inviting group. All of the volunteers and staff members were extremely caring and helpful. I sat in on some very useful discussions.
There was a Young Cancer Survior's discussion that was particularly helpful for me. Many of the survivors speaking, had to deal with similar issues that surround fighting cancer while trying to raise a family and keeping your career in check.
In the afternoon, I was invited to go for a 4 mile run/walk with the LLS Team in Training members there, I am proud to say, I made it the whole way! (Last, of course)
There was a dance benefit that evening that Heath and I went to, and I was able to spend some time with the other young survivors and get to know them a little better. I actually got some great tips on meds that I am trying with my doc this time around.
I was sad to come home Sunday, especially knowing that I was going to get chemo again and feel crappy all over once again.
Riley cheerfully reminded me this morning that I am now 2/3's of the way through. He is so funny sometimes. He rarely talks about it and just when you think he isn't paying attention to stuff like that he really surprises you.
The chemo it's self was ok today. They are having to give me more and more stomach meds each time because I get nauseous even while its being administered. Unfortunately, most of the time, the side effects of chemo are cumulative. So they build in your body and get worse with each treatment. But they do have some great anti-nausea meds out there, but they make you extremely tired. Hey, I'll take walking around like a zombie over throwing up anyday! But, even with the good meds, the first 3 days or so are miserable and I haven't been able to keep anything down today.
I will go back to the dr's office tomorrow for IV fluids and more stomach meds.
There was a Young Cancer Survior's discussion that was particularly helpful for me. Many of the survivors speaking, had to deal with similar issues that surround fighting cancer while trying to raise a family and keeping your career in check.
In the afternoon, I was invited to go for a 4 mile run/walk with the LLS Team in Training members there, I am proud to say, I made it the whole way! (Last, of course)
There was a dance benefit that evening that Heath and I went to, and I was able to spend some time with the other young survivors and get to know them a little better. I actually got some great tips on meds that I am trying with my doc this time around.
I was sad to come home Sunday, especially knowing that I was going to get chemo again and feel crappy all over once again.
Riley cheerfully reminded me this morning that I am now 2/3's of the way through. He is so funny sometimes. He rarely talks about it and just when you think he isn't paying attention to stuff like that he really surprises you.
The chemo it's self was ok today. They are having to give me more and more stomach meds each time because I get nauseous even while its being administered. Unfortunately, most of the time, the side effects of chemo are cumulative. So they build in your body and get worse with each treatment. But they do have some great anti-nausea meds out there, but they make you extremely tired. Hey, I'll take walking around like a zombie over throwing up anyday! But, even with the good meds, the first 3 days or so are miserable and I haven't been able to keep anything down today.
I will go back to the dr's office tomorrow for IV fluids and more stomach meds.
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