December 24th - Full Circle (damn you cancer)

Well it's only midnight (stupid insomnia). But the 24th of December last year was when the tumors were initially found. So while I'm really trying to keep the "Holiday Spirit" it is hard, especially knowing not only the past, but all that lays before me.

At my appointment at MSKCC (Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center) this week I felt very overwhelmed. I knew what to expect next, it just made it so much more real on paper.

Okay so here's the synopsis of it. I saw both they radiation oncologist and my stem cell doc. they both agreed that my most recent PET scan looked pretty good from what they could tell. The final results were not to be available until later this week.

What they pressed upon me during my office visit, was not to get hung up on whether the PET scan was completely clean or not. The important thing is that they feel I am good enough to go into transplant. So honestly I've decided that I do not want to know the official results, I have to make it thought the transplant regardless and I might as well have as much hope as possible right?

I will go for a radiation simulation (set up) on Jan. 4th. Then I will begin one week of 2x a day outpatient radiation on Jan 10th. At the end of that week, on the 16th I will be admitted to the hospital for my transplant.

Once I am admitted, I will undergo another week of total body radiation and then 4 days of chemo before my transplant

So here I am, full circle. I really thought I would be cured at this point. But now I am just hoping to survive to see another Christmas.

December 16th - Not feeling so well emotionally or physically

As I come up on my year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer, I'm feeling very overwhelmed at all that lays before me. I have spent the last couple months not thinking too much about the transplant and now I feel like it's slapping me in the face again. I've been taking the time to review my 4 inch "What to expect during your transplant" binder again and it's all quite scary.

I have tried to ignore the statistics of survival and success rates, because I know that at this point they are not great. I am trying to stay as positive and optimistic as possible, but it's hard to keep that frame of mind all the time. Especially while having to review all your estate plans.

I'm also not feeling well. On top of the fatigued from being anemic, I've had a sharp pain in my neck for about a week now. My doctor said she believes it's just a virus of some kind and will run it's course, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better and I don't have any cold symptoms. I'm nervous because it's on the same side of my neck as one of my tumors. I guess we will find out for sure on Monday after my PET scan comes back.

I have a feeling that beginning Monday, things are going to start moving very fast. I will be scheduled for radiation right after New Years and will be admitted to the hospital for my transplant immediately after.

It just seems that up till now, every time things got bad or scary, I was able to dig down deep inside and find just enough courage and strength to get through the current situation. But it's not a bottomless well. I don't know where I'm going to get the strength from this time.

December 11th - Finished GND chemo

Had my last chemo on Monday. It's been a difficult week. I think these doctors have it down to a science. They give you exactly the amount of chemo that your body can withstand, no more no less. Let's hope that it was too much for the tumors though and they are GONE.

Sloan-Kettering made another mistake (shocking, right?) and forgot to schedule me with a radiation-oncologist and didn't realize it until I called them to question it on Thursday. So they had to squeeze me in and because I need to see him before my transplant doctor, all my dates had to be moved around. So now instead of going the 22nd and 23rd, I now go for the scan on the 19th (a Sunday!) and appointments on the 20th. It's a pain in the ass cause it's Christmas time and I have to change reservations at the hotel and my husband works in retail and has to change his days off at the busiest time of the year. What makes me the most upset is that I know if I hadn't called them, they wouldn't have realized the problem until I was down there and then my transplant would have been really delayed.

For right now, I'm trying to take it easy and rest as much as possible. Thank God for online shopping. I'm feeling very fatigued and I would guess I'm anemic and might need another blood transfusion. I have CBCs again on Monday so we'll see.

December 1st - Dreaded December

If you had asked me four years ago, my favorite month was December. I always loved the holidays. Putting up the tree, decorating the house and finding the perfect gift for my loved ones. Seeing your child's excitement this time of the year, is the biggest and best gift for any parent.

From the beginning of December, I would listen to the Christmas carols I grew up to. The old fashion crooners, none of this Jessica Simpson BS. I would even listen to it at work. I remember listening to this same music as a child, rejoicing in the time of year filled with great food, friends and family.

Fast forward four years, and I just am not into it anymore, and I don't think I will ever be again. December now just brings sorrow and pain.

Today was my father's birthday. Three years ago today was the last time I was able to converse with him. We took him out to dinner to his favorite restaurant. A couple weeks later, on December 14, he went into a coma. It wasn't until December 24th that he came out of it and we realized he was severely brain damaged, unable to speak or move. Another very sad day. He passed away several months later. But the sorrow associated with that time, stays with me every December since.

Last year I had just started to get back into the holidays, I was trying to let go of the sadness and reclaim the happiness of the season. And then as you probably know, I found out I had tumor in my chest on Christmas Eve.

But, shortly thereafter they told me that I had the "most treatable cancer" there is and I was going to be cured in a short 6 months. So as sad as I was, taking down the tree, I kept telling myself, "Just think, next year when you take out this ornament and set up the tree you will be cured and this will all be behind you." Yeah freakin right.

So, as I stare at those same ornaments now, it brings me to tears knowing what lies ahead for me. I'm sorry I'm such a Grinch this year. I will try to be better next year.