If you had asked me four years ago, my favorite month was December. I always loved the holidays. Putting up the tree, decorating the house and finding the perfect gift for my loved ones. Seeing your child's excitement this time of the year, is the biggest and best gift for any parent.
From the beginning of December, I would listen to the Christmas carols I grew up to. The old fashion crooners, none of this Jessica Simpson BS. I would even listen to it at work. I remember listening to this same music as a child, rejoicing in the time of year filled with great food, friends and family.
Fast forward four years, and I just am not into it anymore, and I don't think I will ever be again. December now just brings sorrow and pain.
Today was my father's birthday. Three years ago today was the last time I was able to converse with him. We took him out to dinner to his favorite restaurant. A couple weeks later, on December 14, he went into a coma. It wasn't until December 24th that he came out of it and we realized he was severely brain damaged, unable to speak or move. Another very sad day. He passed away several months later. But the sorrow associated with that time, stays with me every December since.
Last year I had just started to get back into the holidays, I was trying to let go of the sadness and reclaim the happiness of the season. And then as you probably know, I found out I had tumor in my chest on Christmas Eve.
But, shortly thereafter they told me that I had the "most treatable cancer" there is and I was going to be cured in a short 6 months. So as sad as I was, taking down the tree, I kept telling myself, "Just think, next year when you take out this ornament and set up the tree you will be cured and this will all be behind you." Yeah freakin right.
So, as I stare at those same ornaments now, it brings me to tears knowing what lies ahead for me. I'm sorry I'm such a Grinch this year. I will try to be better next year.
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What can I say, when I read this Jessica ?
ReplyDeleteI just want to let you know, that you have a big place in my heart and I pray for you...and I always reading your blogs.
I'm sending you warmth from my heart...
With love from Holland, Marianne de Boer
I can't do anything but send love. So I'm doing that a million times over.
ReplyDeleteSorry for such a depressing post. On a positive note, I ordered a beautiful memorial wind-chime for my father just a couple of days ago. To my surprise, it came by UPS today! It sounds so pretty! It has such as sweet message on it, "If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."
ReplyDeleteHe is so proud of his angel and the amazing women she has become
ReplyDeleteJess, you don’t have to apologize for being depressed, or for expressing yourself like you have. If you are feeling those things then you need to let them out somehow – like through your blog. Just remember that you still have a treatable form of cancer. We will see you tonight at Cancer Club.
ReplyDeleteJess,
ReplyDeleteI agree completely with Colin. You are a beautiful and strong woman, but you are human and allowed to have moments of sadness and depression. It's all necessary and I admire you for your courage and openess in sharing your thoughts with us. I, too, look forward to seeing you tonight at Hope Club.
Jessica,
ReplyDeleteDecember is a month that can bring out many emmotions in people, especially when bad things have happened. Do not taint your father's memory with remembering all of the negativity of his last days. Remember the good times you had with him and how much he loved you. The wind chime is a perfect example of a good way to remember your father.
Being diagnosed with cancer is always a bad anniversary. Thinking about the positive things that having cancer has brought you may help. You have realized how truly loved you are by your fmaily and friends. Not many people get to experience that in their lifetime. Also, you have connected and made friendships with people you wouldn't have if you didn't have cancer, like me.
It is important to make news memories in December so you can turn it around and make it enjoyable again. Get into the spirit of Christmas and try not think about the bad things as much as you can.
Hang in there girlfriend. You still have a treatable cancer.
Angelique
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI'll chime in too! Both this post and the last post hit home for me. I think we're all feeling the same things.
I haven't had sadness around the holidays so much... But my oncologist had originally told me I may have 10 years until I had to fight it (in the way you are right now). After that, birthdays have only marked the passage of another year bringing me closer to that 10 year mark. Time is a bitch now. We just have to press on. Keep on kickin' ass, as they say.
But! We're all going to fight it, right along side you. Keep your chin up... and when you figure out how to do that... teach me, because I keep forgetting :-)
See you tonight!
Jess, I think about you and admire you every day! You are an inspiration. Every time I saw you, I could never believe you were going through what you're going through- you always had a graceful smile on your face. I'm far away in Louisiana, but I think about you all the time. Keep us posted :)
ReplyDeleteJackie
JESS, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU AND YOUR FIGHT..YOU ARE GOING TO SUCCEED ... YOU HAVE SO MUCH STRENGTH AND LOVE FOR LIFE. I PRAY FOR YOU EVERYDAY AND I HOLD MY PURPLE BRACLET WHEN I GO TO SLEEP AND SAY MY PRAYERS... IT WAS GREAT VISITING WITH YOU..KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK HON AND WE WILL HAVE A GREAT SPRING , WITH YOU CANCER FREE...LO VE AUNT KELLY
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