I wrote a poem. It's not very good, I'm sure my 12 year old could do better, but I thought I would share it anyway.
My letter to Cancer
Attacking a young mother and wife without warning.
Trying to take my life slowly, put my family in morning.
Your tumors growing silently, killing my cells.
But no one who looks at me, would think I'm unwell.
To say that I "hate" you is not a strong enough word.
Thinking you will take this body is absolutely absurd.
But as your disease continues to put me to the test,
I've become closer to strangers then anyone would guess.
I am now good friends with people that I never knew.
Other survivors, fighters and supporters to see me through.
These cancer warriors are filled with love, caring and strength.
They will help me win the battle, no matter the length.
Because I certainly won't go down without a fight.
To die at such a young age, is simply not right.
I won't allow you to take my son's mother away.
So I will keep pushing harder, day after day.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
November 23rd - 3rd GND and other random things
First off, I have to say the fundraiser was a success! It was perfect, so many of my friends and family came out to show their support. It was very touching, for me, my husband and son. I will never forget that evening and looking back on it will help me to keep going in the difficult months that lay ahead. It was so sweet of my coworkers to organize it and donate baskets to be auctioned. Even with all this shitty stuff happening to me, I still am truly blessed to be surrounded by such caring people. I don't know how much was raised yet, but with the turnout we had, I'm sure it will take a big dent out of my travel and lodging expenses in NYC.
Now for the not so great update. My appointment yesterday was concerning. I saw the my local dr before chemo and she explained that she had received a new email from my doctor at SK and that his directives were different then how she interpreted them the first time. Basically that instead of getting GND every other week, I am supposed to get it every week! Eight treatments instead of four! Needless to say, I was very upset and confused! This is my life at stake! If it has not been given as often as it should be, then how is it going to be effective against this super aggressive cancer!? I couldn't have been more clearer with my SK dr about this regimen, and my husband was there at that appointment and agreed with me that the dr said, more than once, that it was to be every other week, 4 treatments total. My local dr apologized and said she agreed with me and that she had interpreted his directives the first time the same way I did, but going forward it would have to be every week and I would have to try to get more in before the stem cell then initially planned! I was so disappointed! I had this all planned out with me going back to NYC to begin right at the first of the year and this would push me weeks back. I was in tears in her office so she emailed my SK dr again to express my concerns.
Then, she gets an email from him again saying the opposite from the previous email. That we had been right all along and it was supposed to be once every other week four times! WTF, people! Are they trying to kill me!! This isn't like screwing up an order at a restaurant! I could have died from being over treated and I would have if I had gone alone with it!
Of course I called the SK dr this morning, and he did not want to talk to me but I persisted. When he finally did get on the phone he did exactly what I thought he was going to do and put the blame on my local dr for misinterpreting the email and suggested that this is what happens when you do the chemo elsewhere (although it was he that told us that it didn't matter where we did the chemo initially).
In the end technically, no damage was done. But I don't trust any of my doctors anymore. They seriously could have killed me if I hadn't been so vocal about it. But I'm just a patient name and ID number for billing purposes right? So sorry for the run on posting, but I needed to vent.
Now for the not so great update. My appointment yesterday was concerning. I saw the my local dr before chemo and she explained that she had received a new email from my doctor at SK and that his directives were different then how she interpreted them the first time. Basically that instead of getting GND every other week, I am supposed to get it every week! Eight treatments instead of four! Needless to say, I was very upset and confused! This is my life at stake! If it has not been given as often as it should be, then how is it going to be effective against this super aggressive cancer!? I couldn't have been more clearer with my SK dr about this regimen, and my husband was there at that appointment and agreed with me that the dr said, more than once, that it was to be every other week, 4 treatments total. My local dr apologized and said she agreed with me and that she had interpreted his directives the first time the same way I did, but going forward it would have to be every week and I would have to try to get more in before the stem cell then initially planned! I was so disappointed! I had this all planned out with me going back to NYC to begin right at the first of the year and this would push me weeks back. I was in tears in her office so she emailed my SK dr again to express my concerns.
Then, she gets an email from him again saying the opposite from the previous email. That we had been right all along and it was supposed to be once every other week four times! WTF, people! Are they trying to kill me!! This isn't like screwing up an order at a restaurant! I could have died from being over treated and I would have if I had gone alone with it!
Of course I called the SK dr this morning, and he did not want to talk to me but I persisted. When he finally did get on the phone he did exactly what I thought he was going to do and put the blame on my local dr for misinterpreting the email and suggested that this is what happens when you do the chemo elsewhere (although it was he that told us that it didn't matter where we did the chemo initially).
In the end technically, no damage was done. But I don't trust any of my doctors anymore. They seriously could have killed me if I hadn't been so vocal about it. But I'm just a patient name and ID number for billing purposes right? So sorry for the run on posting, but I needed to vent.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
November 11th - 2nd GND and flu in the house?
Had my second round of this chemo combo on Monday. No severe reaction to it like last time. Little bit of nausea but no vomiting, Yay! Just achy and tired, which I've grown accustom to now anyway.
Little bit of a scare on Tuesday. I woke up to find a new swollen lymph node in my neck. It was right above where the last cancerous one was taken out, I had an appointment at the doctor's office anyway for my neulasta injection, so I called and they said the doctor would see me if I just headed in a little earlier.
My doctor said that she believes it to be swollen in reaction to some sort of infection, not a new cancerous lymph node. Her plan was to wait a week and if it is still there to do an ultrasound and check it out. I of course, was freaking out and not willing to just take that as an answer. If the cancer is growing and popping up in new spots, then obviously the GND isn't working and we need to do something else right away! But I called my doctor at Sloan Kettering and he was in agreement with her. And when I spoke to the nurse there she asked me if anyone else around me was sick, because that might explain the swollen lymph node, but I told her no one was.
Tuesday afternoon, my 12 year old son came home from school complaining of a sore throat and a low grade fever. My husband took him to the doctors that evening and they tested him for strep throat which was negative. Since then he has gotten sicker and now his fever is hovering around 103. It's looking like he has the flu. I'm trying to stay away, but it's hard. No matter how much I'm concerned about my health, at the end of the day he's still my "baby" and I worry more about him then I do about myself.
The only good news is, this might explain the new swollen lymph node in my neck. I guess I just have to wait and see.
Little bit of a scare on Tuesday. I woke up to find a new swollen lymph node in my neck. It was right above where the last cancerous one was taken out, I had an appointment at the doctor's office anyway for my neulasta injection, so I called and they said the doctor would see me if I just headed in a little earlier.
My doctor said that she believes it to be swollen in reaction to some sort of infection, not a new cancerous lymph node. Her plan was to wait a week and if it is still there to do an ultrasound and check it out. I of course, was freaking out and not willing to just take that as an answer. If the cancer is growing and popping up in new spots, then obviously the GND isn't working and we need to do something else right away! But I called my doctor at Sloan Kettering and he was in agreement with her. And when I spoke to the nurse there she asked me if anyone else around me was sick, because that might explain the swollen lymph node, but I told her no one was.
Tuesday afternoon, my 12 year old son came home from school complaining of a sore throat and a low grade fever. My husband took him to the doctors that evening and they tested him for strep throat which was negative. Since then he has gotten sicker and now his fever is hovering around 103. It's looking like he has the flu. I'm trying to stay away, but it's hard. No matter how much I'm concerned about my health, at the end of the day he's still my "baby" and I worry more about him then I do about myself.
The only good news is, this might explain the new swollen lymph node in my neck. I guess I just have to wait and see.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
November 7th - Chemo again tomorrow already
I really don't feel prepared for more chemo again tomorrow, mentally or physically.
My body is tired. It is not bouncing back anymore between chemo treatments. My first GND chemo treatment two weeks ago, did not go so well. I was very anemic already going into it and my doctor said my bone marrow is "tired". I was told that this type of chemo was NOT nauseating so I wasn't given the normal premeds that I have taken in the past. We started the chemo and I had a very bad reaction to one of the drugs in the regimen. My face and ears turned hot and bright red, I was dizzy and short of breath. They stopped and restarted the chemo 3 times to give me more steroids to force it into me.
The following night after treatment (Tuesday) I got a severe headache, similar to the headaches I was getting after the ICE chemo. Early the next morning, I had to go back into the hospital because I couldn't stop vomiting. They gave me dose after dose of anti-nausea medicine, but it wasn't until several hours later that I finally stopped getting sick. Then I spiked another fever, had to get iv antibiotics again and yet another blood transfusion. I was released from the hospital on Friday.
I saw my doctor again this week, and we discussed the situation. I will be taking all of the premeds this time for nausea so hopefully I won't get so sick this time around. They will also give me a large dose of steroids and benedryl before starting the chemo to hopefully avoid the adverse reaction I had last time.
Wish I had better news to report. Hopefully tomorrow will go more smoothly,
My body is tired. It is not bouncing back anymore between chemo treatments. My first GND chemo treatment two weeks ago, did not go so well. I was very anemic already going into it and my doctor said my bone marrow is "tired". I was told that this type of chemo was NOT nauseating so I wasn't given the normal premeds that I have taken in the past. We started the chemo and I had a very bad reaction to one of the drugs in the regimen. My face and ears turned hot and bright red, I was dizzy and short of breath. They stopped and restarted the chemo 3 times to give me more steroids to force it into me.
The following night after treatment (Tuesday) I got a severe headache, similar to the headaches I was getting after the ICE chemo. Early the next morning, I had to go back into the hospital because I couldn't stop vomiting. They gave me dose after dose of anti-nausea medicine, but it wasn't until several hours later that I finally stopped getting sick. Then I spiked another fever, had to get iv antibiotics again and yet another blood transfusion. I was released from the hospital on Friday.
I saw my doctor again this week, and we discussed the situation. I will be taking all of the premeds this time for nausea so hopefully I won't get so sick this time around. They will also give me a large dose of steroids and benedryl before starting the chemo to hopefully avoid the adverse reaction I had last time.
Wish I had better news to report. Hopefully tomorrow will go more smoothly,
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