As I come up on my year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer, I'm feeling very overwhelmed at all that lays before me. I have spent the last couple months not thinking too much about the transplant and now I feel like it's slapping me in the face again. I've been taking the time to review my 4 inch "What to expect during your transplant" binder again and it's all quite scary.
I have tried to ignore the statistics of survival and success rates, because I know that at this point they are not great. I am trying to stay as positive and optimistic as possible, but it's hard to keep that frame of mind all the time. Especially while having to review all your estate plans.
I'm also not feeling well. On top of the fatigued from being anemic, I've had a sharp pain in my neck for about a week now. My doctor said she believes it's just a virus of some kind and will run it's course, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better and I don't have any cold symptoms. I'm nervous because it's on the same side of my neck as one of my tumors. I guess we will find out for sure on Monday after my PET scan comes back.
I have a feeling that beginning Monday, things are going to start moving very fast. I will be scheduled for radiation right after New Years and will be admitted to the hospital for my transplant immediately after.
It just seems that up till now, every time things got bad or scary, I was able to dig down deep inside and find just enough courage and strength to get through the current situation. But it's not a bottomless well. I don't know where I'm going to get the strength from this time.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Keep digging Jess. The well is always deeper than we think it is. Keep friends and family close at hand to keep your spirits up. I'm sure they can all dig too. KICK THIS THINGS ASS. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't have the strength right now, let others hold you up and carry you through. I know you have so many people who love you. Let them carry you.
ReplyDeleteMuch love, Jess. Be well.
Jessica, I don't know you, but you are a friend of my good friend Tim's. I wanted to share part of an article my Uncle Jim wrote about a week before he died of pancreatic cancer on November 30th of this year.
ReplyDeleteThis article is about his good friend Pat Burns who had just died of cancer as well - I hope my Uncle Jim's words help you fight.
"It wasn't a game plan for dying, it was a blueprint for living with cancer and it was put together by someone who had done it to the best of his considerable ability.
"It's pretty much like I used to tell my players," he said. "You can't complain about the circumstances, about the hand you're dealt. You just get up every day and you deal with it. It's hard, it's hard on you and it's hard on your family, but you can't change any of that. You get up, you look in the mirror and you say 'not today, you're not going to beat me today'. Sometimes you win that day, sometimes the cancer knocks you down and takes its day, but you get up again tomorrow. You keep getting up until the day comes..."
Here is a link to the article - http://www.sportsnet.ca/hockey/2010/11/19/kelley_burns_remembered/
Keep up the fight and don't let Cancer beat you today.
Karyn Shanks
NO GIRL YOU WILL NOT LOOSE HOPE AND FAITH ..YOU ARE THE YOUNG LADY THAT WOULD NOT LET ME LOOSE IT WHEN MY DAD WAS ILL..I WILL NOT LET YOU EITHER.REMEMBER WHAT GOD BRINGS YOU TO HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH.YOU ARE THE STRONGEST WOMAN I KNOW AND YOU WILL DIG DOWN DEEPER THAN EVER TO PULL THE STRENGTH OUT. YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT YOU ORIGINALLY SET OUT TO DO AND KICK LYMPHOMAS ASS.. I LOVE YOU JESS
ReplyDeleteHi Ms Hopeful2010.Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts with us. I am a 44 year old husband and dad of 3 and I too have cancer,Leukaemia, but thankfully I have not yet reached the cross road at which you now stand regarding a transplant. You are indeed a warrior and a pathfinder for those of us who are still enjoying the calm before the storm of our illnesses, but we all live day to day watching for those clouds gathering on the horizon. The best of luck with your upcoming treatment, and please, remember to keep the blog going to let us know how you get on during your recovery :-)
ReplyDelete