I am taking this round of chemo particularly bad. I think that my body is starting to get worn down and it has really had enough of these chemicals being pumped through me every other week. The nausea is horrible, I have to medicate myself constantly to keep from vomiting. Also, all the little annoying side effects seem to be magnified this time around. And the back pain hasn't even started up yet! Chemotherapy is like being on a roller coaster. You have the treatment and you go really far down and then you come back up again just in time for the next treatment which pulls you right back down again. The scary part is, as you go on, the peaks are not as high and the valleys keep getting lower and darker with each drop down. I feel like the chemo is killing me, and it truly is. I have chosen to poison myself over allowing the cancer to poison me.
I am extremely anxious about my PET scan next week on the 11th. Please keep your prayers coming. I need to hear that my PET scan shows little to no cancer left. With that positive news, I know I will be able to make it through to the end of treatment. Thanks guys.
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I always compare it to boxing: you get knocked down, you drag yourself back up, and then it just knocks you down again. As the rounds go on, it gets harder and harder to get back up and eventually you just want to stay down... But you have to be Rocky, you have to keep getting back up, even if it takes you longer and longer each time! Rocky would never give up no matter how many times he's knocked down, and I know you won't either.
ReplyDeleteChemo truly is cumulative and I think that's hard for others to really understand. And the fatigue isn't something that sleep really helps - it's just in your bones.
Have you tried a counselor? I started one when I first got diagnosed, thinking that I would eventually need it... I'm not sure how much it helped but it certainly was cathartic to go in there and cry sometimes, and feel sorry for myself without someone trying to talk me out of it.
Something that also helped me with the depression was to schedule little things here and there that I could handle. Just to keep the days from blurring all together. Schedule a friend to drop by, or a pedicure if your WBC count is good, or a movie matinee even by yourself. I found that it helped to stave off the depression just to have little things to look forward to so that the days weren't endless.
Know that you are not alone and there are people out there who understand what you're going through. If you need a change of scenery, you can always come to VT and recuperate in our guest room!
Thinking of you.
Jen
I wish I could give you a majic potion to make everything go away. The only thing that helped me is distraction. Sleeping is the best one. Also, let yourself get angry and cry when you need to. It feels better when you get that out because it builds. You only have four treatments to go. Just think that you have already endured 8 treatments. I know the treatments are cumulative but that doesn't mean your next four are going to be this bad. You just had a busy and tiring weekend at Stowe just before this treatment which may have tired you out making this treatment especially hard on you.
ReplyDeleteDon't expect your cancer to be completely gone on this PET scan. It takes time. Also, the chemo causes inflammation which usually shows a shadow around the cancer spots on the PET scan. It takes three months for the inflammation to correct itself which is why they will have you do a PET scan three months after treatments are done. Do not get discouraged if the PET scan is not clean. You still have four treaments to go. Your doctor is just trying to track the cancer. The chemo treatments are working which you found out early on with your chest x-ray. It takes a while for it to clear on the PET scan because the test is sensitive and inflammation also causes the sugar uptake.
Hang in ther Jessica you are getting close. You are always in my prayers and I light a candle for you at church every Sunday. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
Angelique