October 18th - More bad news (as if that's even possible)

Went back down to NYC on Monday to meet with my transplant doctor. The plan was to set up my radiation schedule and get a tentative date for my transplant. Cause after all, there was no possible way I could still have cancerous tumors after putting my body through such rigorous chemo it almost killed me, right?

Wrong. My PET scan came back and it wasn't good news. The tumors had shrunk, but they are still there. I was devastated by the news. This really tough chemo regimen was supposed to do the trick! We were all so sure of it, even the doctor. All of my plans for next weeks radiation and stem cell transplant came to a screeching halt. There are no words to express the disappointment I was feeling at that moment.

You would think that by now I would be used to getting terrible news and I am to a certain degree. I'm kind of becoming a professional patient. When the doctor is giving me the bad news I force myself into a kind of out of body experience. I listen, but I am mentally removing myself from my body and I talk to the doctor like we are discussing a different person. Its easier than talking about my own mortaility! After I leave the room, I then have the tears flowing as I walk out to the waiting area.

The following is from Wikipedias page on the 5 stages of grief, specifically when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss. I thought I would share some of it with you because every time I get a shitty cancer report I go through the stages all over again. And this really explains it best:

Denial - "This can't be happening, not to me." Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of positions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is overly emotional due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
Bargaining – "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death..
Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"
The individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the sick person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't change it, I may as well prepare for it."

I try to spend most of my time in the "Acceptance" phase, but I have to admit the "Denial" stage is sometimes easy to linger in.

So what's next?

I begin 2 more months of chemo on Monday. This is my last shot at chemo, the only other cocktail available to treat Hodgkin's. It's called GND and I am putting all my eggs in one basket.