First off, the good news is all the bone pain from the Neulasta paid off. My white blood cell count was double a healthy persons and 6 times what it was at my last check.
Sorry I haven't blogged in so long. Sometimes I forget that people really do read this as a way of checking up on me and sometimes it takes a friend pointing out my lack of blogging to get me motivated again to write.
Truth of the matter is I really haven't had much to new to say lately. I hate to sound like a whiny little bitch all of the time. I feel like that is what I am turning into sometimes. I have read other cancer surviors' blogs and during their fight they seemed to stay mostly positive. As time goes on it is becoming harder to stay postive.
I am only 3 treatments in and I feel emotionally exhausted. It was easy in the beginning to be full steam ahead, but with each treatment it gets harder. I feel like I am soooo far from the finish line, these have been the longest couple months of my life.
I went out to dinner last night with my husband to celebrate my birthday. My birthday is on Wednesday and I figured it would be safe to go out to eat this weekend because my last chemo was almost 2 weeks ago and I shouldn't still be sick at this point. But once the food arrived I could bearly eat my dinner, kept starring at the bathroom wondering how fast I could fight through the crowded resturant to get there. Would I make it in time? That was about all I could focus on. So I took my anti-nausea medicine (which makes me extreamly drowsy) and was on the couch sleeping before 8:30.
I just want my life back.
PS - I promise to make my next post a more positive one.
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You are in a big battle right now and it is hard and unrealistic to stay positive all the time. You need to let yourself whine because it really stinks what you are going through. It is so hard to focus on the positive when you feel sick all the time. Let yourself get angry and negative but don't dwell on it because it will only get you more down.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that this is temporary and you will eventually get your life back. Do what you can to get through the day. Distract yourself from the sickness and pain. Go for a walk or just sit outside. The sun is getting stronger and the days are getting warmer. The next day should be better.
Start a small project at home like putting pictures in an album. It is something you can put aside when you get tired and still feel productive about getting something done. Anyway, I feel for you and hope the next day is better than the last.
Angelique
Yay, a post, I am so glad to be able to read how you are doing.
ReplyDeleteIt was good to see you last week, you look GREAT. I know you are not feeling all that wonderful, but try to concentrate on the good and happy things in your life. I know it doesn't seem like there is too much happiness right now but if you think about it, you will find some. And, if you feel depressed and sad, hell, you have a right to, just don't dwell on it. You have a lot of people in your life who love and care about you, never forget that.
Hope to see you this week.
Tasia