So I got a little gray envelope from UPS yesterday. It was from Sloan Kettering and I knew what was in it without even opening it, I've seen them many times now. Inside this envelope is a CD of my most recent scan as well as a full written report by the Nuclear Medicine Tech detailing the scan results. Knowing the contents, I decided to not open it right away and put it aside. As I mentioned in my earlier posts, regardless of what the scan shows, the next step would be the same. The likelihood of success would lessen though if there was any cancer showing up on the scan. So part of me just doesn't want to know the results. But I am obsessive-compulsive by nature, and I can't stand not having every bit of info.
So my curiosity got the best of me and I opened the envelope this morning. Those of you who know me realize it's amazing I made it as long as I did without looking.
And of course, once again, major disappointment. The report said, "Blah, blah, blah... still disease present... blah, blah, blah. (Fill in the "Blahs" with medical jargon)
So here I am. Just when I think I couldn't possibly handle anymore bad news, more comes my way.
As it was, I already have been having much anxiety about leaving tomorrow to go down to NYC for who knows how long. I can't even think about voluntarily walking into the transplant unit on the 16th without getting physically ill. I refuse to pack, because packing would be accepting that I am leaving, and I can't do that.
So why am I doing this? Why am I going to allow them to make me suffer so much, when the chance of a cure is so small? Why allow my family and friends watch me go through this? I mean, is it worth putting yourself through so much hell when you don't have much of a chance of succeeding? Is it wise to spend your last dollar on a lottery ticket? No, you take that last dollar and do as much as you can with it, instead of just throwing it away. Maybe that's what I should do with my life.
I think the name of this blog is all wrong. Someone is certainly getting their ass kicked, but it isn't lymphoma's ass apparently.
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Dear Jessica,
ReplyDeleteRead your blog *hands you cheese*. What can I say? When I think of you I see trhose wonderfull pics of you and óur'boys, Gosh, you're so beautiful! I was so happy to read you went!! And I so hoped you could live on it for a while. I think you're a real soldier! All I wish for you now is for youy to get some peace of mind and not the fear for the transplant (I can wish, can't I?) I wish you also lots of courage. I will pray for you.
When my son died 2,5 years ago some one gave me a mantra. Although I'm not a 'real' Buddhist (just part-time, haha)It helped me in times when I was anxious and a bee-hive inside. I want to give it to you, (just from a empathic heart, not to convert you or whatever, we're in the same cult ;) already, aren't we?), perhaps you know it already. I hope it will calm you inside. Use it or don't, everythins is up to you in a way.
Om Mani Pèmé Hung
XXX Charley (@uworoju)
I wish I had some words of wisdom or inspiration for you to help you through. The truth is, I can't imagine feeling all of the emotions you are going through. What I can tell you is that you've touch my life in a way that no other could. You've inspired and comforted me beyond measure during a time when you are in need. This is going to sound selfish, but I hope you find the strength and peace you need to know that you will get through this chapter in your journey. I say it's selfish because I hope you will find that the fight is worth fighting, that your life is worth fighting for; that your family and friends want you to be in their lives. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you want your journey to look like. Either way, I support you! Please know that I am with you in spirit and if you need someone to take your hand as you pack, I can do that too ;)
ReplyDelete~Maribeth
It really sux there u fighting so hard to stay alive without sucess. My thoughts are with you and be positive! Success may be small but some people have succeded, you could be another person on that list!!!
ReplyDeleteDanielle
JESS, YOU WINE AND CRY ALL YOU WANT. YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. BUT I KNOW THAT YOU ARE STRONG AND WILL CONTINUE THIS FIGHT ALL THE WAY. I PRAY THAT GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU AND CURE YOU OF THIS DREADED DISEASE.I AM HERE FOR YOU IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND HOPE YOUR LUCK TURNS AROUND THROUGH THE NEXT MONTH.... I STILL HAVE FAITH IN GOD AND YOU
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